“Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on.
I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.”
― jonathan safran foer
It’s been some time since I last shared a self-reflection. My previous life update was in July, though I’ve occasionally shared bits and pieces of my journey in other posts. Here, however, I want to take a moment to organize my current thoughts and life events in an effort to better understand how I can navigate my path forward. I hope that by sharing my struggles and the ways I approach them, you might find something relatable or even helpful in your own experiences.
A wave of emotional pain:
A few months ago, my counselor suggested that I might be dealing with a form of emotional distress linked to prolonged experiences of stress and trauma. After asking me a series of globally standardized questions, they identified patterns in my symptoms that aligned with such conditions. Reflecting on the many challenging experiences I’ve endured since my young adulthood, I realized I had unknowingly been carrying the weight of these struggles for years.
I’ve always felt that something was amiss. Hurtful encounters with certain individuals and their cruel words often linger in my mind—their superficial smiles masking deeper intentions. These memories occasionally resurface, bringing with them waves of emotional pain. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an isolated occurrence but a repeated pattern in my life. As an INFJ, I’ve often found it challenging to navigate relationships with certain types of people, which has only added to the strain.
A few weeks ago, I visited a local clinic with doctors who specialize in addressing trauma-related conditions—an uncommon resource in Japan—and was prescribed medication. Later this month, I’ll consult with a specialist to gain deeper insight into my emotional health and work towards managing and improving my well-being. It’s a step forward in understanding myself and striving for healing.
Ongoing erosion of professional confidence:
I continually grapple with waves of emotional pain, which not only affect my daily life but also extend to my work. A job, particularly in the context of first-world living, occupies a significant portion of one’s time and often becomes a central focus in modern society.
As you may know, I began working as an Android app developer this July—a role I had dreamed of for over a decade. I am genuinely grateful to my current employer for giving me this opportunity, yet I find myself persistently battling self-doubt.
While I personally don’t wish for my job to define my life, the reality is that it demands most of my time and energy. I have a deep passion for Android development and count myself fortunate to have turned this passion into a profession. However, I frequently find myself stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, particularly because I still struggle to complete tasks independently. I often rely on my colleagues to help me navigate the complexities of the codebase, which can feel like the greatest hurdle.
Despite these challenges, I know I must confront my fears and persevere through my daily responsibilities. Doing so will not only enhance my Android programming skills but also help me work toward shaping the future career I aspire to achieve.
Meetup and new friends:
Meetup has become one of the few avenues for me to make new friends. On weekends, I often attend Meetup events, which have allowed me to forge new connections. During difficult days filled with emotional pain, staying connected with others and engaging in conversations has proven to be incredibly important.
Each time I participate in a Meetup, I’m reminded of a fundamental truth: communication is key to happiness. As social beings, we thrive on interaction and the sense of belonging it brings.
Conclusion:
All in all, this is where my life stands at the moment. While I haven’t directly compared it to my previous self-reflection posts, I believe I’ve made progress in ways that align with my hopes. As always, meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight, but a single decision can set you on a path toward a completely different life.
Perhaps it could benefit you as well to periodically document your current status and reflect on your journey. One day, when you look back on your blog posts or journal entries, you’ll likely notice the incremental yet significant changes that have shaped your life.