“The difference between genius and stupidity is: genius has its limits.”
― Alexandre Dumas-fils
Some people never change, and I think that is one of life’s tragedies. Some individuals never experience any sort of progress, and they’re okay with it. That is their choice, and I have no say in their life’s direction. But if they maintain this stance for over a decade with no signs of progress, it not only disappoints others but also leads to perpetual loneliness.
Alan, an old friend I met at a Meetup event almost a decade ago, embodies the word “stagnation.”
The last time I saw him was at a Meetup event to explore a national park in Tokyo. During the event, we had an argument over a trivial matter, and before it ended, he disappeared. I thought I would never see him again.
A decade ago…
At that time, he was already financially struggling. He didn’t have what one would call a career and always seemed dissatisfied with himself. Whenever we went out for lunch, it took forever to choose a place because he was so tight on his budget. It was such a frustrating experience.
Whenever we saw a restaurant, he would point out its prices and express his food preferences. He didn’t understand that his attitude frustrated others and drove people away.
To describe him further, he’s half Japanese and half American. He’s bilingual and can speak both languages. However, he has a policy of never speaking English with Japanese people. Why? I have no idea, but that’s how he’s lived his whole life. So, whenever he has a chance to speak with me or other Japanese people, he insists on speaking Japanese. His Japanese accent sounds a bit odd compared to standard Japanese, which may have contributed to his loneliness in this country.
No signs of progress after a decade:
Fast forward to last month, I made my own Meetup group, which he joined. Somehow, he discovered my event and told me he would like to attend. I had a small hope that he might have changed. Maybe he had experienced some progress in life, and I could enjoy some social interactions with him a decade later.
But it turned out I was wrong.
Some people never change, and he was one of them. To be precise, his case was even worse. It was obvious to everyone that he had deep communication troubles. Over the past decade, he lost his hair. Maybe he’s been through a lot, and I get that. But his struggles seemed to have contributed to his further loneliness and odd personality.
During our last Meetup event, we visited Enoshima Island. We had lunch at a seafood restaurant. While everyone else ordered food and drinks, he was the only one who ordered a bottle of juice. That’s fine—that’s his choice.
However, his communication problems became apparent during lunchtime. A Japanese lady and he spoke at the same time, and she asked him, “What were you saying? What? What?” Somewhat he was panicked and kept saying, “I can’t hear, I can’t hear,” which confused not only the lady but everyone else.
As the organizer, I told the lady to go ahead with her conversation.
Odd communication style:
The way he speaks Japanese is a little odd. I can’t describe exactly how, but it’s simply weird. His interests are quite limited—he keeps reading Japanese novelists from decades ago, which I personally have no interest in. In this age of technology, he describes himself as a technophobe.
As you know, we live in a world run by tech. Google, OpenAI, Apple, Amazon, Meta, and more dominate our lives. Living without basic tech skills means perpetual poverty and a stagnated career, and he chose that path.
Every time I tried to have a conversation with him, it didn’t last long. His interests are so limited that it’s hard to find common ground. According to him, I’m not the only person who struggles to communicate with him. He said that almost every time he has a conversation with Japanese people, he experiences frustrating reactions. He also mentioned that whenever he went out with a girl, the conversation would almost always stall, leading to awkward silence.
Perpetual tight budget:
This time, we went to Yokohama for my latest Meetup event. There were only three of us: me, Alan, and Berk, a Turkish guy. Since Berk had a strong interest in tech, finance, religion, and global dynamics, I had a great time conversing with him.
And then the Alan problem happened again. After enjoying a conversation and the great Yokohama Bay Bridge view, we decided to have lunch. Although Berk was a Muslim, his religious views were not very strict, so he was flexible with food choices, even including pork.
I suggested having lunch at a nearby Indian curry restaurant, and Berk was totally okay with it, but not Alan.
“I recently had an Indian curry and experienced a stomachache,” said Alan.
Berk and I looked at each other and gave awkward smiles. Then, we headed to Chinatown. Everything was super expensive, so we decided to leave and have lunch at a fast-food restaurant we came across. Berk was okay with having lunch there.
Again, Alan objected, saying he didn’t want to eat there.
“Let’s finish this event. See you guys at another event, maybe,” said Berk, and he left us.
What the hell…
Alan hadn’t changed. It seems it would take forever to choose a place to eat with him.
An honest conversation:
During our way back to the station, I sat with Alan and shared my thoughts.
“Can you do me a favor? Next time we go to a restaurant, I want you to come with us,” I said firmly.
Alan seemed a little shocked, probably not realizing how his actions drove people away.
“Is it okay if I just order a drink?” he asked.
“Of course, there’s no problem with that,” I replied.
I usually don’t force people to read the room, but as long as we live in modern society, reading the room is not a choice but a necessity. And since he’s the same age as I am, I expect him to act like an adult with at least a minimum level of social common sense.
When acting as a group, you’re expected to be less opinionated about how the group functions and have at least a certain level of budget that allows you to pay for an average lunch. This isn’t something I should need to specify, especially if you’re living in the first world. If you can’t, you may find yourself in trouble, not only economically but also socially.
His outdated values and limited knowledge:
As I mentioned above, Alan still reads novels from decades ago, and that’s fine—it’s his choice. However, if he continues this way, it’ll be even harder for him to form social circles with others. In our modern world, younger generations are heading in similar directions regardless of nationality. Interests in tech, proficiency in Chinese, basic economic knowledge, and an understanding of world politics are becoming common.
If you can’t follow these conversations, you’ll struggle. These are not choices but necessities. Everything is changing faster than ever before, and if you decide not to embrace any of it, you might only have poverty as an option.
I don’t judge people by their financial status. Money isn’t everything, and I’m aware of that. However, you can’t completely avoid financial realities.
Another thing—navigating through our modern world requires a minimum level of social norms. Being weird is fine if it’s amusing and attractive. But if your weirdness works against you and you’re unaware of it, you’ll end up alone.
Is this a financial discrimination?
To be honest, I don’t want him to join any of my future Meetup events. He’s neither violent nor discriminatory, but he clearly has communication problems that silently irritate others—and there’s more to it.
His perpetual financial struggles make the situation even more awkward. As I mentioned, he has his own preferences, which are distinctly odd. While Berk and I discussed going to a nearby Indian curry restaurant, Alan suggested having lunch at Jonathan’s, a cheap family restaurant.
It was not only weird but also stressful. I don’t want to make people walk and search for a place to eat forever just because he doesn’t have money all the time.
But is this a form of financial discrimination? Am I acting evil? I’m not sure, but I do know that I don’t want to bring any negativity or unnecessary problems into my already complicated life.
He’s neither violent nor discriminatory, but he is toxic in some way—and it was obvious to me.
A lesson for me:
Witnessing his attitude that confused us made me reflect on my own behaviors. Have I ever acted selfishly towards someone else? Maybe I have. From this experience, I learned how important it is to read the room.
I’m not imposing peer pressure on anyone or myself when I say “read the room.” However, there’s always a social expectation to make things flow naturally. I believe that every experience, even toxic ones, has something to teach us.
His toxicity taught me a lot.
Usually, those who drive people away and end up alone are either violent or discriminatory. But Alan’s case was different. He doesn’t act violently or raise his voice to intimidate others, but his odd communication style also drives people away.
By witnessing his missteps, I learned a lot.
Perpetual loliness:
What I saw this time was someone who hasn’t progressed an inch in a decade. I assume he won’t change and will stay that way for the rest of his life unless he experiences a “wake-up call.”
From watching social documentaries, I know that poverty is spreading across the world, and Japan is no exception. Despite the financial divide not being as obvious as in the US, the gap between the rich and poor is growing.
The world is changing—faster than ever before. Those who can’t ride the wave of social dynamics caused by technology are struggling now and probably always will. Alan is one of them. What I saw was someone unknowingly struggling in an age where everyone else is progressing while he remains left behind.
Conclusion:
Everyone’s different, and everyone is dealing with something. I get it. I, myself, have been dealing with my own life’s problems and challenges. Through those challenges, people change and achieve new milestones: career changes, reskilling, and self-awareness.
And this is not a friendly age for those with low ambitions and low skills. Not only does it block you from career opportunities and progress, but it also leaves you outdated.
In a nutshell, what I witnessed this time was not just someone who is financially struggling and has communication problems, but also someone who is being left behind in the unstoppable stream of social change.
If you keep refusing change, all you will get is loneliness and poverty.