Dear Facebook Friends (2023)

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.”
― Anne Lamott

Hey everyone,

I hope this message finds you well. I initially posted my thoughts on Dear Facebook Friends on June 12th, 2022, and was pleasantly surprised by the positive response I received. However, upon reflection, I realized that my choice of words and writing skills were not up to par. So, I have decided to rewrite the entire post and include some additional thoughts. I hope you find it to be an improvement.

Intro:

I wanted to share a personal experience with you all that I’ve been going through over the summer of 2021. Two years ago, I took a break from all social media and stopped posting online. But I’ve decided to come back and share my story with my friends.

I used to be very active on social media and spent a lot of time connecting with my friends and the international community, sharing my life experiences. But everything changed in August 2021 when my father and I both contracted covid. He had to leave his home and come stay with me in my apartment.

Three days later, his condition suddenly deteriorated, and I called an ambulance in the morning.

“There are a bunch of folks who need help. Give them a chance, not me” said him.

But in the end, I had no choice.

When the ambulance arrived, his condition was already critical and he needed a ventilator to help him breathe. All nearby hospitals were full of covid patients, so he was taken to a hospital far from home.

Just before he was taken to the hospital, I had a final conversation with him at the entrance of my apartment while he was on the stretcher.

“Dad, are you okay? (お父さん、大丈夫？)” I asked.

“I’m okay (大丈夫だよ。)” he answered weakly.

Being alone in my apartment, I had trouble breathing. As I was still recovering from covid symptoms and uncertain about my body’s condition, all I could do was lay on my bed and kept staring at the ceiling, feeling empty and overwhelmed by the harsh reality that I had never experienced before.

Since all nearby hospitals were already full of covid patients, the hospital he was carried into was quite far from my town. We were able to visit him in the hospital a few times, but he was sedated and could only breathe with the help of a ventilator. My mom broke down in tears beside his bed.

Late in August, we were told by his doctor that there was nothing they could do to help him recover anymore. And then, came the day we knew we would have to say our final goodbyes. By the time we arrived at the hospital, he had already passed away – we couldn’t make it.

“Find me when I go up there (私がそっちに行ったら、私の事を見つけてね)” My mom kept telling him beside his bed.

I couldn’t help but question why this had to happen to my family and if I ever deserved it. It was an incredibly difficult time, and overall, 2021 was the worst year of my life. But it also taught me some lessons about life and my relationships with the world and those around me. It showed me who my true friends are and how I should live my life.

And what it means to live – when you talk about death, you must talk about living.

The End of my openmindedness:

Back in early 2020, before the pandemic hit, I met a friend from Indonesia. Despite our different beliefs, we formed a close friendship and enjoyed exploring our different cultures. One day, he gave me a Quran and told me that I would need it in the future. At the time, I didn’t think much of it and accepted it as a gift from him.

We stayed in touch and had regular online conversations every Saturday morning. We discussed current events in Asia and our different perspectives on the world. But as we talked more, our differences became more pronounced and at that moment, we were unaware that our friendship was coming to an end as well.

In August 2021, I was diagnosed with covid and lost my father. During this difficult time, my friend and I reconnected and I realized the reason he gave me the Quran.

During our conversations, he revealed his true self.

“That’s why I gave you the Quran,” he said.

“Are you trying to convert me to Islam?” I asked.

“No, we don’t force anything on you. It’s up to you,” he replied.

I was confused, “What do you mean by ‘it’s up to you’?”

Our conversation took a turn that I never expected – it revealed that he had become someone who couldn’t live without his religion, and he even accused me of being focused on my love of science.

He said, “Science may not have all the answers. Sure, you may love it, but when you die, it won’t do you any good.”

I was stunned – simply stunned by his uneducatedness and his lack of sympathy. On the other hand, it all made sense to me. He had lost his job due to the pandemic and religion had become his entire world.

But still, lots of thoughts run through my mind.

Is this really my friend? Who is this guy? He’s not the same guy I’ve known for the past five years.

At least, he didn’t force me, but I couldn’t accept his views and beliefs. Since I was consumed with the morbid fear of his belief and anger at his uneducated attitude, the next day I sent him a message on WhatsApp – words of fear, cruelty, and inhumanity. Words I could never think I would tell someone.

Then, I blocked him on all social media platforms and cut off all contact.

This experience changed me and how I viewed people from different backgrounds and religions. Before, I considered myself open-minded and allowed everyone to have a space in my life. But after this experience, I became more selective and judgemental of people who have different beliefs or come from different parts of the world. It was the end of my open-mindedness.

Thirst for revenge:

“I’m not going to let you in my clinic. Go find somewhere else,” he said firmly.

These were the actual words my former physician said to me on the phone after I had finished my quarantine period for covid.

It was the middle of August, and about a week later my father was hospitalized. During this period, the uncertainty about my physical condition and what was happening with my father was killing me inside. On top of dealing with them, I had to deal with unbelievable discrimination from this ignorant and disrespectful doctor. Not only was I shocked and couldn’t believe what I was hearing but I also couldn’t believe those people actually exist.

His words didn’t make any scientific sense. Anyone who has contracted covid could potentially spread the virus, regardless of their negative test results, according to him.

Rage, anger, and hatred. I was flamed with wrath. And I swore vengeance not only on him but on this toxic country – Japan.

And this was not the first time that I had been mistreated by this society. I have experienced work-bullying, verbal harassment, and more, even before the covid era, in Japanese society. I saw the dark side of this county numerous times.

But then, a conversation I had with my dad a few years ago flashbacked.

“Do you know the worst thing you could do to your worst enemy?” He asked me.

“I don’t know,” I replied.

“Forgiveness.” He said.

Could I forgive this evil doctor? I couldn’t. Revenge consumed me and I couldn’t let it go. Revenge was the only thing I could breathe. I looked for ways to seek justice, but no one wanted to help me.

I reached out to a human rights group and a lawyer’s office, but neither of them was willing to get involved with any issues related to covid. The responses I received from them were unhelpful, insincere, and unproductive. And I noticed that those who responded to me were all from the older generation, the same generation as the corrupt doctor.

Feeling disappointed and let down by my country’s corrupt and unhelpful attitude, I saw the government and those in power as bullies and oppressors. As you may know, the older generation still holds a significant amount of power in this country, and the younger generation is greatly underrepresented.

Flamed with unquenchable wrath, I seriously started searching for ways to take revenge on Japan, but all I found were suggestions to not marry, not have children, and not contribute to the country’s economy or social growth. But that seemed like a pointless and self-destructive way to live, and that was certainly not the answer I was looking for.

Forgiveness.

The word kept appearing in my head since then.

Forgiveness – the worst thing I could do to my enemies. Those who mistreated me. Those who dismissed me. And those who gave me the words of inhumanity.

But still, do I have to? Do I have to forgive them? Dad, do I have to?

I don’t know why, but I somewhat realized that the only way I could take revenge on this toxic country was to be happy and use my skills to make not only Japan but our world a little better place to live. And the best revenge I could think of was to not be like my enemies, the doctor and the older generation who bully the young and vulnerable. I had to stop their evil legacy in my generation.

Gradually I started reconnecting with a few select friends and reflecting on my past actions. I realized that the last text message I sent to my Muslim friend was filled with hate and fear. Although his attitude was toxic and manipulative, I wondered if that last message was necessary. Could I have simply distanced myself from him without sending it?

Forgiveness is hard, especially during difficult times. But maybe, just maybe, I thought I could make a difference by practicing forgiveness from that point on.

What needs to be done:

Here, let me share what’s been on my mind after the series of experiences – this is what I believe must be done to create a better world for humanity.

Just because something is legal doesn’t mean it’s morally right – from political scandals to corporate corruption, to our own struggles with people. Their actions and words may be legally acceptable, but we may still consider them to be morally wrong. We can see examples of this everywhere in the world. If we continue to allow this to happen, our society’s morality will not be able to sustain itself. And this is pretty much what I’m still seeing in this world.

I believe that it is the job of policymakers to bridge the gap between legal justifications and moral principles. The current legal system often favors those in power over the general population, which raises questions about the fairness and integrity of the system.

Body Politic:

One of the challenges during the pandemic has been finding a supportive community in the real world, especially for covid survivors. In Japan, it can be difficult to find a community where survivors can come together and help each other. However, my English-speaking ability allowed me to join a global community of covid survivors called Body Politic, based in New York.

Housed on the Slack app and has multiple channels where members can share their experiences, thoughts, struggles, and mental health issues without any hesitation, the community was filled with words of care, kindness, and sympathy with members from over 30 different countries.

I shared my experiences related to my covid contraction, including the discrimination I faced, my struggles with mental health, and the loss of my father. Every time I shared, a large number of group members responded and shared their own experiences with me and gave me a tremendous amount of encouraging words. They always provided me with a sense of hope and empowerment. They came from every corner of the world, and each of their stories was powerful and moving. The group was inclusive and I am grateful for their kindness.

After contracting covid, I felt like some people in my local community treated me poorly. But I was genuinely helped by the international community. I found myself in the world, not here.

My friends and supporters:

The challenges of the covid pandemic brought to light the true nature of the people in my life. Unfortunately, some revealed hidden prejudices and attempts to impose their beliefs on me. But amidst the difficulties, I was reminded of who my true friends are.

My Australian friends living in Yokohama were a constant source of support, attending my father’s funeral and offering emotional support through Zoom sessions. They even invited me out to grab burgers together, making it a little easier to cope with the challenges.

My long-time Japanese friend always listened attentively and offered words of encouragement, even as he was dealing with his own issues.

My therapist was also a great support, helping me navigate my inner struggles and providing practical feedback to build a positive outlook.

To my friends, I want to express my deepest gratitude. Thank you for being there for me during such a challenging time.

My complicated relationship with Japan and the Japanese:

I am 100% Japanese by genetics, and my first language is Japanese. My passport is also Japanese. However, my online life tells a different story. I spend most of my time in English-speaking communities, like the Body Politic. After going through some difficult experiences, English has become a bigger part of my life, both personally and professionally. Because of my bilingual abilities and technical background, I have received many job offers from foreign companies through social networks.

The more I immerse myself in the English-speaking sphere, the less connected I feel to my local community – and I knew my native language is slowly losing its ground in my life. Due to some negative experiences with certain individuals, I have intentionally distanced myself from the local community and people, especially after my father’s death.

As I mentioned earlier, the companies and recruiting agencies that are reaching out to me are all foreign-owned. As I continue to interact with the world, this trend is likely to increase. In short, without English, I cannot fully define my life.

What I’ve learned so far:

Deep down, we know life is short, and that death will happen to us eventually, and yet we’re deeply shocked when it happens to someone close to us. It is like ascending a staircase while preoccupied, only to miscalculate the final step. You may anticipate an additional stair and become momentarily unbalanced before adjusting to reality.

With the majority of last year spent at home due to the ongoing WFH situation, I understand that my perspective may not be one to offer advice. However, through my own experiences, I can encourage you to live for today!

It is important not to ignore the reality of death, but also don’t be afraid of it too much. The greatest loss in life is not death, but rather the opportunities and experiences that you might miss out on due to fear.

Embrace courage, compassion, and kindness. Even in the face of fear, take the next step forward anyway!

My father:

Losing my father was one of the toughest moments of my life. Not only was he my dad but also my best friend and mentor. He dedicated his career to the elderly care industry, always standing up for the socially weak, including financially-challenged seniors and children with disabilities. He was an elderly caregiver, a feminist, a liberal, a human rights supporter, a painter, a poet, a jazz musician, a husband, and a father. The impact he had on my life is immeasurable, and his legacy will always shine in my heart.

My aunts:

Last year, I lost two of my aunts – one from my mother’s side of the family and one from my father’s side. Ever since the covid outbreak, death has become a part of my life with three people in my family passing away.

When you talk about death, you must talk about living – since we’re living in an age where we’re all facing an unprecedented level of humanity’s existential crisis, why are we still trying to divide ourselves and keep exchanging hatred instead of kindness?

Invisible world, invisible data:

Do you know the worst thing you could do to your worst enemy?

That’s the question.

Forgiveness.

And that’s the answer he gave me.

As far as I’m living in this country and interacting with local people, what I see here is my complicated relationship with the place I call home. Yep, I forgave them – but there’s something unignorable: the undeniable fact that this country saw me as disposable during the summer of 2021. And the dark aspects I mentioned above are just the tip of the iceberg.

I understand that this is reality, but we have a choice. We have the ability to change the direction of our lives, change our reactions to our circumstances, and find our passions in life.

I consider myself a lifelong learner. My hope for humanity was once shattered, but I want to continue searching for a way to regain hope in humanity in this world. I want to keep learning how I can make a difference through the things I’ve learned here on earth. I know that every time you open a news feed, you’re likely bombarded by an overwhelming number of relentless news coverage – conflicts, wars, infections, and the list goes on. You’re not alone in feeling this way.

The art of mastering English

To achieve my goal of making a difference in this world, I need to keep learning nonstop. And the key to making that possible is mastering the de facto international language: English.

Have you ever wondered what the greatest benefits of mastering English are? Making international friends? Improving employment prospects? Or improving self-confidence?

For me, none of those are the most important benefits. The real benefit is gaining full access to modern civilization’s art of technology – Elon Musk’s Mars rocket, Google’s search engine algorithms, the latest mathematical formulas, Python’s Artificial Intelligence libraries, and decentralized databases.

There are thousands of online e-learning resources available that not only enhance your life but also give you an unparalleled level of power that can be obtained for free or at a low cost on platforms like Udemy or YouTube. And as is often the case, they are almost all provided for those who know English. I will continue to improve my skills and gain the invisible power that can only be wielded in the digital world. This power is vital in the 21st century as it holds sway over everything in the digital realm.

The next actions to take:

I am passionate about numbers. They always provide a clear and intriguing insight into the world around us – from gender equality to the balance of power and the state of our home planet’s environment. Data gives us a fresh perspective and I enjoy working with it, using tools such as Java, Python, SQL, and Excel to process and analyze it.

The absolute compatibility between mathematics and coding languages has opened up a whole new world to me, one that reveals hidden truths and unseen realities through numbers, revealing where we come from and where we’re headed.

What’s truly remarkable is that these powerful tools are available for free on the internet. With the right mindset, anyone can take advantage of them to uncover invisible truths in our world.

This is my silent form of revenge, but it’s more of my personal journey to detach myself from this country financially, politically, and technologically.

What I learned from the experience was that I can’t trust anyone but myself. The data and numbers provided by our government were false, misleading, and lacked scientific and mathematical evidence. I just want to find the truth. With these crucial skills, I can probably uncover hidden truths that others don’t even realize. And I hope these skills will also help me find a new home elsewhere.

Covid situaiuon as of now (Jan 22, 2023):

While it is important to live in the present and move forward, it is also crucial to remain informed and aware of what is happening in our world.

As of this writing, the covid situation in Japan is getting worse – every day, over 500+ people are dying from it and over 7,000+ ambulance cases are unable to respond to emergency calls.

Afterthoughts and beyond:

Like I said in the original post, thanks for reading my post till the end. Not everyone has that kind of patience. But why did I share my experiences with you? Because I felt the need to. What I went through in the past couple of years is not something that should be kept to myself. I wanted you to know and think about how our world functions and how it reacts to unprecedented situations.

As you know, our world is currently facing the unknown. We’re dealing with a widespread infectious disease that everyone is trying to forget, a war in Ukraine with no end in sight, and inflation that’s affecting us all.

But despite these challenges, we can still survive. I know that someday we’ll all die, but not today. Let’s keep moving forward, shall we?

When I contracted covid and lost my father, I isolated myself and only interacted with a select few friends. But now, I came all the way up to this point.

When I was going through a tough time, those I mentioned shamelessly revealed their dark side. But at the same time, someone else was there to offer me generous support when I needed it. And when I shared my own experiences with someone else, they shared theirs with me, making me feel less alone.

Life is complicated, and so are we as individuals.

Now it’s your turn. How are you going to spend the rest of your life? The choice is truly yours.

Let us begin again…