“What a wonderful world.”
― Louis Armstrong
Hi all. I’m writing this essay, especially for my friends who are connected on Facebook/Instagram. Last year, I stopped my online activities on all social media and vanished my presence on the platforms. I already journaled my post-covid experiences on this blog but didn’t share them on Facebook. But now here I am and decided to share my experiences on the social media.
I used to interact with my friends on Facebook/Instagram almost on a daily basis, and they were my gateways to the international community. However, everything changed last August. My father and I contracted covid in late July last year. Since my mom didn’t contract covid, my father left his home and started to live together with me in my apartment.
Three days later, his condition suddenly got worse, and I called an ambulance in the morning. Since all nearby hospitals were already occupied by covid patients, the hospital he was carried into was far away from my town. We had some chances to visit him in the hospital, but he was put to sleep by drugs and only could breathe through a ventilator. My mom burst into tears by his bed.
A month later, he passed away in the hospital. We couldn’t say goodbye to him. It was too sudden. Soon after his death, his body was cremated in ashes.
Do I deserve this? Why did it happen to him? Just way too much to handle. Way too much. 2021 was overwhelmingly the worst year of my life so far. But it was the beginning of my new relationship with the world. Not only did my last year’s experience change my worldview, but also it changed my relationship with almost everything in my life. It even revealed who are my true friends and who are fake. It revealed how I should spend my life here on the earth. And it revealed how I should interact with the world.
Here, let me share the experiences I’ve been through from last year until now. This is going to be a little long essay. So please bear with me.
The End of My Openmindedness
Back in early 2020 before the world changed, I met my Indonesian friend in Tokyo. Even though he was a Muslim and had essentially different beliefs than I did, we enjoyed our cross-cultural international friendship for years. When we arrived at an Indonesian restaurant, he gave me the Quran and told me that I would need it in the future. I should have rejected the holy book, but I kept it since he was a good friend of mine.
All thanks to the Internet, we’re living in an age where we can communicate with one another despite physical distances. Every weekend, on the Saturday morning from 9:00 AM JST (Japan Standard Time), we had weekly online conversations via Skype. Since we’re Asian citizens, our conversations were revolving around regional issues, especially the current circumstances in China, Taiwan, Japan, Indonesia, and our relationship with the US. Not only that, we exchanged our life experiences and learned a lot about each other.
However, when it came to religions, we never understood each other. The more I talked to him, the less impressed I was with his religion. Eventually, his religious views destroyed our five-years long friendship. Simply put, I couldn’t endure Islam’s backwardness that doesn’t fit itself in the modern world.
And came August 2021. I’ve contracted covid and was mentally and physically damaged. After I lost my father, I had some chances to have online conversations with him again. And my biggest regret is that I should have cut ties with him earlier. During our conversations, he revealed his true self.
“This is why I gave you the Quran.” He said.
“Are you trying to convert me to Islam?” I asked.
“(Long pause…) No, we don’t force you anything. It’s up to you!” He answered.
What the hell did he mean by “it’s up to you”?
At this moment I realized why he gave me the Quran back in early 2020. I thought he gave me the book as a token of our friendship, but hell no, his intentions were more than that. Soon after we had the conversation, our friendship came to an end. The last text I sent him was filled with my morbid hate and fear not only towards his religion but also for himself. I blocked him on all social media platforms, and he disappeared from my universe.
Not only did this experience kill our friendship, but also it changed my relationship with the third world. I used to enjoy my open-mindedness. Regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, religion, or nationality, I welcomed everyone and allowed them to have space in my life. However, through my interactions with him, I came to realize that it’s impossible to fully connect with those who have different backgrounds or religions, especially those who came from the third world. And as is often the case, those fundamental differences are revealed during the difficult time. Ever since the end of our friendship, I became selective, judgemental, and critical of those who have unfamiliar backgrounds, and would never allow them to have a space in my life. It was the end of my open-mindedness.
Thirst for Revenge
“I will never let you into my clinic. Go somewhere else!”. This is what my former physician told me when I had a conversation with him on the phone. He had been the one who tested us positive for the contraction. At this point, I finished my covid quarantine week, and I should have been safe. I simply couldn’t believe what I’d heard. On top of my father’s situation, I had to face covid discrimination as well, all because of this ignorant and shameless physician.
What he told me didn’t scientifically make sense. Anyone who contracted covid would potentially infect others regardless of the PCR test result. What? What the hell did he talk about?
Rage, Anger, Hatred, and you name it. I was flamed with wrath. And I swore vengeance not only on him but this toxic world.
Suddenly, a conversation I had with my dad flashbacked.
“Do you know the worst thing you could do against your worst enemy?” My father once asked me this question a few years back.
“I don’t know” I answered.
“That’s forgiveness,” He said.
Forgiveness? Could I forgive the evil physician? I couldn’t. Revenge was the only thing I breathed, and couldn’t let it go.
I explored the internet and searched for any possible ways of seeking revenge. I called a human rights group and a lawyer’s office. However, none of them didn’t want to get involved in covid-related problems. The words they gave me were cheap, superficial, and useless.
Their rejection has led me to realize the undeniable notion – my country sucks. Yeah, Japan sucks. It really does. My country doesn’t want to give a hand to those who seek help. Instead, they treat you like trash and don’t really care about you if you were mentally and physically weak.
My hatred towards my country eventually sparked my hatred towards those who rule this country, especially older generations, known as boomers. The evil physician fits in this generation too. The more I knew about this country, the more hatred I saw in myself.
But what could I do to take revenge on Japan? It’s just too big to beat up. Too big. So, I googled “How to take revenge on Japan”. Seriously, I did it. And the top search result said, “The best way to take revenge on Japan is not to marry, not to have a child, and do nothing contributive to the country’s economy and social growth”.
What? Are you kidding me? That’s the worst way to be a loser!! Nope, nope, nope! That’s not the answer I was looking for. So, I came to this conclusion. The possible revenge I could think of is to be happy as much as possible and take full advantage of my skill to turn this world into a better place to live.
But how? For starters, the best revenge I can do is not to be like my enemies, namely the evil physician, and those useless old folks who rule this society, who bully the young and vulnerable. I must stop their disgusting legacy in my generation.
From this point, things started to go up, and I re-started interacting with a few select friends again.
And here I started to ask myself a question about the last text message I sent to my Muslim friend. Was it a form of a bully? As I described it in the first chapter, the text message was filled with morbid hate and fear toward his religion and his character. Of course, his attitude was toxic and manipulative, so I had every right to distance myself from him. But was the last text message necessary? Couldn’t I just leave him without having sent it?
Forgiveness. It was one of the hardest things to practice during the challenging time. And I couldn’t live my dad’s word. But what about from now on? Can I make a difference by living his word?
Maybe. I’ll try.
Body Politic
One of the hardships during the covid age is finding a supportive community in the real world. Especially, when it came to something covid-related, it was hard to find a community where covid survivors help each other in Japan. But my English ability enabled me to join in global covid survivors’ community. It was New York-baed Body Politic.
Housed in the Slack app, members in the group have access to multiple channels where they can share their experiences, thoughts, struggles, and their mental health issues without any hesitations. The main language is English, and the members are from 30+ countries.
On this platform, I shared my experiences related to my covid-contraction. The social discrimination I faced. The Mental instability I was going through. My father’s death. And every time I shared my thoughts, some group members responded to my post and shared their experiences with me in turn. And they always gave me a sense of hope and empowerment. They were American, British, Canadian, Australian, and New Zealanders. The group was inclusive, and I thanked them every time they shared their kindness with me.
Ever since my covid contraction, I was treated like trash. But I was genuinely helped by the international community. And what I’ve learned was that I was not the only one who experienced the covid-related discrimination. That was universal. The world sucks. And this is why we all need to make a difference and change this world into a better place to live. I really thought so.
My Friends And Supporters
My covid contraction revealed the true characters of the people around me. And that turned out to be unfortunate. One secretly tried to force his religion on me, while another one showed off his hidden discrimination against those who contracted the virus.
At the same time, this challenging experience revealed who my true friends are.
My Australian friends living in Yokohama city kindly attended my father’s funeral. And they kept supporting me through zoom sessions. Sometimes, he invited me to go out and eat burgers together. If it were not for them, it would have been much harder to go through the challenging time.
My long-time Japanese friend always became a good listener and let me share my experiences with him. Despite the fact that he himself has been going through his own issues, he always gives me empowerment and becomes a good friend of mine.
My therapist enabled me to translate my inner struggles into words and helped me through the challenging journey. Since covid-related issues are unprecedented in the modern world, I wasn’t sure how she was going to handle this situation. She, however, was very professional, and clearly communicate practical feedback to help me make a new positive relationship with the world around me. The new way of thinking she explained to me gave me the motivation to stand up and start walking again.
If any of my friends are reading this essay, I would like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude. Thank you all.
My Complicated Relationship with Japan and the Japanese
I’m genetically 100% Japanese. My native language is Japanese. My passport is of course Japanese. However, when it comes to my digital life, the story is a little different. My online activities are revolving around English-speaking communities, including the aforementioned Body Politic.
And especially after having gone through the tragedies, English started taking over my life – not only my personal life but my professional as well. Thanks to my bilingual and tech background, I’ve started to receive many new job opportunities from companies or recruiters who were interested in my skillset through LinkedIn.
Speaking of technologies, my job and interest go hand-in-hand, and I generally learn new programming languages and app development processes through online video platforms, such as Udemy in English. Despite the fact that I’m a Japanese guy living in Japan, English has more to do with my life than my native language. Welcome to the 21st century!
My friends and supporters, for example, are all English speakers, except a few. So, here comes the question? Do I need Japanese? Of course! My mother, my close friend, my employer, and my colleagues are all Japanese. Despite those, my native language, however, is slowly losing its grip on my universe.
The more I accelerate my life presence and my efforts in the English-speaking world, the less I feel connected to my native community. Thanks to the aforementioned evil physician and many other toxic Japanese boomers, I intentionally alienated myself from the community, especially after my father’s demise.
At my father’s funeral, my uncle, who was my dad’s older brother, gave me a book about “How to be successful in Japan”. I never turned even a page and never will. I don’t need it. Outdated ideas don’t have a space in my life. It’s just useless.
As I mentioned a while ago, companies and recruiting agencies approaching me are all foreign-owned. And this trend may accelerate going forward as I keep interacting with the English-speaking world/people.
Simply put, without English, I can’t define my life.
Hope Amid the Hell
I lost my father. I lost my former self. Ever since his demise, my life has never been the same. But there was something they couldn’t take away from me. That’s hope. It’s what made me survive. The evil physician kicked me out of his clinic. My toxic Muslim friend tried to convert me to Islam. But they were just the tip of the iceberg of many other toxic and evil individuals who shamelessly revealed their true evil natures during my covid contraction. Some of them even enjoyed my tragedies.
But I’m still here. I’m still here writing this blog post and sharing my experiences with you. And the hope was given by my dedication to my love of technology. Even during my difficult days, when I was coding a mobile app for my favorite OS, Android, I could find myself and locate hope within my skillset.
The hope must come from within, not external. My skillset will eventually skyrocket my dream career to achieve my long-term goals. I really do believe so.
A week ago, when I shared one of my GitHub pages, where I uploaded my mobile app’s source code, with one of my programmer friends, he was impressed with my work and coding skill. The next day, he told me that his acquaintance who owns a mobile app development business is interested in my skillset. In the near future, I may get a side job as my long-time dream job as a mobile app developer.
My journey keeps going…
My Father
I still can’t believe he’s gone. I still feel him somewhere nearby. Not only was he my father, but also he was my best friend and mentor. Dedicated himself to the elderly care industry almost all of his career, he always sided with the socially weak, including financially-struggling elderlies and handicapped children.
Elderly caregiver. Feminist. Liberalist. Human-rights supporter. Painter. Poet. Jazz Musician. Husband. Father. His influence on my life was immeasurable. It’s simply indescribable in words. And his legacy still shines in my heart and always will.
My Aunt
My father was not the only person I lost recently. Last week, my 90-year-old aunt silently passed away. She rejected a life-sustaining treatment. The last time I had a conversation with her over the phone was a week ago. I didn’t know she would leave my life this early. If I knew it, I would have thanked her for all the things she gave me that can’t be measured by numbers. Dedicated her entire life as a nun in a Catholic organization, she was always kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic, and loving. I should have spent more time with her.
Last But Not Least…
Finally, thank you for having read my post up to this point. Not everyone has that patience. So why did I reveal those experiences and shared them with you? That’s because I felt I need to. What I experienced during the past ten months is not something that should end within myself. I wanted you to know, and think about how our world organizes itself and how our world reacts to the unprecedented situation.
When I contracted covid last year and lost my father, I did everything I could to avoid interacting with the world. I vanished myself and only interacted with a select few friends. But now, I know it’s time to start walking again and touch the world with a little different approach.
Someone tried to convert me to Islam. Someone hurt my feelings with a horrible choice of words when I was devastated. At the same time, someone else gave me a hand when I needed support. Someone else shared their experiences with me.
Life is complicated.
So, it’s your turn. How are you going to spend the rest of your life? The choice is truly yours.
Let us begin…
