“If you are going through hell, keep going.”
― Winston S. Churchill
“What do you think is the worst thing you could do to your worst enemy?” My dad asked me when he was driving a car.
“I don’t have any idea” I answered.
“That’s forgiveness.” My dad said.
It was a few years ago when he was still alive. So, let’s talk about forgiveness. What would you think about it? Since we are living in a world that is not immune to conflicts, hatred, and tragedy, it’s easier said than done.
As I’ve written it before on this blog, I’ve been through a lot, especially last year when my father and I contracted covid, which took him from my life. The last few days I spent with him were physically and emotionally hard.
I still remember the last conversation I ever had with him.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m okay” he answered when he was carried into an ambulance.
When I was left alone in my apartment room, I was simply hopeless. I barely remember what I was thinking at that moment. The only thing I could remember was the fact that I couldn’t breathe properly for the whole day due to my emotional dysfunction.
On top of my own physical deterioration, my mental trauma was slowly killing me.
Ever since my dad was hospitalized, they kept updating my mom and I with his condition, which was only getting worse. Even though I eventually survived covid, considering the situation, I couldn’t appreciate the life I was given again.
We visited the hospital a couple of times and spoke with his doctors. Every time we spoke with them, we ended up being hopeless. I saw my mom burst into tears a number of times both at the hospital and at home.
While he was still alive, we had a chance to meet my bedridden dad who was unconsciously sleeping in an emergency room. We held his hand and talked to him.
“When I go to heaven, find me,” My mom told him.
And came the day. My dad passed away on September 3rd, 2021 in the hospital. All thing I could remember on the day was the fact that I couldn’t stand still, and they temporarily let me sit in a wheelchair. With my dad’s body, we went down to the entrance by elevator. A female staff pushed my wheelchair till there.
Everything was just surreal, and I couldn’t believe it actually happened.
As days went by, my trauma was getting bigger and heavier and I was gravitated towards hell. But it was only the beginning of my actual hell.
Here is the list of worst things I’ve been through since then:
- My former physician who tested my covid contraction stabbed my feelings with inhuman choice of words and told me he would never let me into his clinic for possible infections.
- I cut ties with my former friend who took full advantage of my mental weakness to convert me to his religion. He was heavily brainwashed by his religion and couldn’t make ethical decisions. He even denived my love of scienec and told me only thing that could help me out of the situation is his religion.
- Municipal staff medically gaslighted me over covid contraction and even ridiculed my medical concerns.
- My aunt-in-law disrespected my dad’s death and even ridiculed my mom’s mental struggle with unbelievably terrible choice of words.
Forgiveness – that’s supposed to be the worst thing I could do to my worst enemies according to my dad. It’s been over half a year since my hellish days. Can I forgive them all? I’m not sure.
I never saw the physician and anonymously posted a horrible review of him and his clinic on Google. When I cut ties with the friend, I told him that his religion is disgusting and ridiculed his level of intelligence. I made an angry phone call to the municipal office with an outrageously loud voice.
Apparently, I couldn’t forgive them. On top of my physical and mental deterioration, they stabbed my feelings. How could I forgive them? If my dad were still alive, what advice would he give me? And what would he have told me when I was gravitated towards the hell?
He’d probably forgive me. I still feel him somewhere in my heart. My goal at the moment is to achieve inner peace amid hell.
And there are glimmers of hope.
Because of my job as a programmer and my general knowledge of the computing world, I’m somewhat receiving many job opportunities from companies and recruiting agents recently.
It’s a strange world. I’m living two different realities: one is hellish, and another is optimistic.
Now that all I can tell you is this. Despite their ill-will upon me, I survived my hellish days and am still here. I have a right to achieve my own happiness.
Even though I mentioned my hellish experiences, there were a lot of people with heart of gold who gave me a hand when I was at rock bottom. Friends who attended my dad’s funeral and continuously supported me. Staffs in municipal organizations for helping out youth with mental struggle who listened to my entire struggle and the mental torture I was going through and even let me vent my feelings. Members of an international group for covid survivors who shared kindness with me. A therapist who gave me hope. And my mom who experienced the painful days with me and is still with me.
If you ever have been through painful experiences like I have, I want to tell you that you’re not alone.
Trust the journey and have faith.
Let us begin.
