“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.”
― Robert Frost
Life is tough. Life is unfair. Life is… I’m 34. And during the past 34 years of my life, I’ve been through a lot. Joys, struggles, frustrations, and life changes. Even though I had so many lovely memories during those years thanks to my family and close friends, I still repeatedly suffer from my past traumatic experiences. I wouldn’t call it PTSD, but especially during the past decade, I’ve been suffering from these PTSD-like symptoms. Sometimes it is so intense, my emotional struggles frightened my family and friends.
Here is a brief list of the past traumatic experiences I have experienced from 2010 to 2019.
- Being repeatedly and intensely bullied and harassed by my Japanese roommates during my stay in the US college.
- Being bullied by my managers and colleagues for the first five years of my professional life at several workplaces in Japan.
- Breaking ties with those who only wanted to take advantage of me as well as kept betraying me.
I wouldn’t consider myself the unhappiest person in the entire world because I understand there are a massive number of people who are fighting against their inner struggles out there. But I hope that you could get some insights into what makes us suffer internally and how you could outgrow your pain if you had similar struggles to mine.
And before diving into further discussion of my inner struggles, I want to address the elephant in the room. The elephant is Japan. Yes, almost the majority of my inner struggles have a strong relationship with my own country Japan and the Japanese. Even though I spent my college days in the US, I always had trouble getting along with other Japanese students there. The one who bullied and harassed me the most during my college days couldn’t speak English very well just because he kept hanging out with other Japanese students; and he repeatedly kept harassing me with the form of verbal abuse.
Even after having graduated from college, he kept harassing me on Facebook. Can you believe it? Three years after graduation, he still directed his hatred towards me. His psychopathic behaviors exposed the fact he himself was suffering from his own struggles. Probably struggles not to be able to speak English despite his college education in the US. It’s been more than a decade now, so that’s anybody’s guess. Who knows? But all I can tell about him is that he was full of inferiority complex and always looking for someone he could direct his anger at. And unluckily that was me.
My personal conflict with him snowballed into my conflict with the entire Japanese community in the college, and it resulted in me losing all Japanese friends there.
Due to the aforementioned experiences, I grew my hatred towards my own country, Japan, and Japanese people. Especially the work-bully I experienced seven years ago cemented my grudge against the Japanese. At that time, I always fought back with my managers in the office. The working condition was so toxic, a lot of my colleagues kept quitting the job or considered leaving. When they pointed out my tiny mistakes with mean words, I yelled them back; and they treated me accordingly. For my entire nine months there, yelling voices were audible all the time…
You know, hatred only produces hatred. My inner grudge against the Japanese made me talked really bad on social media, especially Facebook. My heavy criticism of Japanese society and the people caused some struggles with the Japanese and pro-Japan foreigners living in the country.
Hatred only produces hatred. Because of my online behaviors, I lost a certain number of Japanese friends on social media. But I didn’t stop there. The hatred towards the Japanese somewhat sparked hatred towards the Chinese as well. Because of my personal disagreements with CCP in terms of democracy, freedom of speech, and basic human rights, I started to criticize not only my own country, Japan but also China. Some choice of my words were offensive and even wished ill will upon the Chinese. Additionally, the recent global pandemic and my inner hatred against those who originated from mainland China even fueled my morbid hatred of them.
During those days, I didn’t realize the fact that not only did my online actions hurt them, it also hurt myself even more. It hurt my dignity, and I didn’t realize I was being drawn into a malicious cycle of hatred, grudge, and revenge.
Hatred only produces hatred. Grudge doesn’t make you strong. Revenge doesn’t provide you with an answer you’re looking for no matter what.
Despite having seen my inner struggles, my family and my close friends kept supporting me and even prayed for my inner peace. They always gave me a listen and supported me spiritually. And it took me several years to realize the fact that just by casting stones I wouldn’t go far.
Things started to change after 2020. Ever since I became a Java programmer at the end of 2019, I found myself falling in love with coding. Even though I’m still struggling with my coding assignments, I somewhat enjoy what I do now. Through the process of learning logical mechanisms of coding languages, I even feel I perhaps could outgrow my pain. While being absorbed into coding, I barely suffer from my dark past. And not only coding but also learning algebra helped me discover the world of logic. During the last ten years, my past refused to let me go, but I may finally found a way to crack the dark ceiling above me.
When it comes to my friends, my Japanese friends during college don’t matter to me. But my friends after college matter to me even more. I want to take this opportunity to appreciate those who gave me a listen when I was struggling and prayed for my health and inner peace. In return, I always wish them the very best. Also, thank you to my readers. And thank you for having read this post up to this point. Not everyone has that patience.
And when I think about the guy who harassed me during college, I have no idea what he’s doing now. Maybe he graduated the college with some fake smile despite what he has done, but I know who he truly is. And he himself pretty much understand what he has done. And considering what he has done, I just want you to remember this. I’ve written it a while ago, but I repeat; not only does bullying hurt the other person, but it also hurts yourself even more. You have to spend the rest of your life with a sense of guilt and it continuously hurt you. I also hurt someone with my choice of words before, so I can understand the feeling. And don’t be like him. Just because you have an inferiority complex to someone else definitely doesn’t give you a right to hurt the other person.
Finally, I just want you to know why I revealed my dark past experiences. It’s because I want you to know that the pain of self-doubt in our modern world can make us feel as if we’re the only ones struggling, while everyone else is picture-perfect especially thanks to social media. That’s why I thought it’s important to share not only my triumphs but also my setbacks. You’re not alone. I am not alone. In this modern world, everyone is going through something. Even the ones who harassed me in college have been through a lot.
We’re all together here. Especially in the age where we can’t see each other, we should pray for each other’s happiness, health, and inner peace.
Hope you have many reasons to smile.
Have a wonderful day!
