“The silence depressed me. It wasn’t the silence of silence. It was my own silence.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
2020 is ending. And this is the last weekend of the year. Yesterday was the last day of my work, and my winter break starts today. Being allowed to get away from my work for a while, a weight should be lifted off my shoulders. But somewhat lots of despair and anger crept upon me. As soon as I stopped worrying about my work, I was terribly soaked into madness that I couldn’t focus on almost anything.
I’ve always been experiencing difficulty dealing with my past, especially about those who hurt me, not physically but mentally. They could be those who bullied me in schools and workplaces. Or those random strangers who bumped into my shoulder on a street and never apologized, walking away as if nothing had happened. This whole thing had happened before the pandemic.
This pandemic year was disastrous, but come to think of it, my pre-coronavirus life wasn’t that great either. Every morning, I was squeezed into a jam-packed train, where I was surrounded by strangers and wasn’t literally able to move at all. And in my workplaces, I had to go through a tremendous number of horrendous experiences, including workplace bullying (it is known as “power harassment” in Japan), too many workloads, and overtime work on a daily basis. That’s the very reason why I left the previous company. If I have any chance to run into my ex-manager, I’ll definitely give him a brutal punch in the face. I’ll never ever forgive him.
Sorry, I got off track. Anyway, my life, in general, wasn’t that great even before this crazy pandemic era. So how was I during this year? Well, not so great in terms of my mental health. Since I was allowed to work from home entirely, I spent most of my time alone or with my dad. I had far fewer interactions with people outside of my family. The more I spend time by myself, the worse my mental health gets. As I mentioned earlier, I was soaked into madness a number of times a day and have some trouble dealing with my anger.
Haven’t you ever had a memory flashback to old memories? Maybe they could be a time you had an argument with someone you dislike, or a time someone yelled at you. In my case, I occasionally remember those moments, and I assume this could be some sort of PTSD. For those who don’t know what PTSD is, it’s not the person refusing to let go of the past, but the past refusing to let go of the person. And any words related to those experiences could be a trigger. Words they told me stick in my head and rumble around my mind.
During the whole year of 2020, I spent every night alone, and I was soaked into madness and anger. Since I was diagnosed with mild-depression five years ago, this year was especially difficult to get through because of my loneliness. I think I depended more on my medications than ever before.
But I understand there are a number of people who suffer from their own problems, and I really hope everyone will find their own happiness. Let’s pray for them and fight for our happiness.
Finally, hope you guys had a great holiday. See you again in the next post!
Via: Forbs